Indifference

It did not come out as it was supposed to be. A lot of pent up anger and frustration took the better of me. I was reactive. I did not respond well to the stimulus. Or rather, was that the right response to the stimulus? I guess I will never know. I did feel bad for a while. Then the bad feeling turned into melancholy and finally into a horrible hollow feeling at the pit of my stomach. Well, that was a few hours ago. Now I am sort of feelingless. And that is bad. I heard somewhere that it is better to feel anger than to feel nothing at all. To be indifferent is to be neither here nor there. It means that I have stopped caring. It means that I have stopped living.

a mother's wish

It is now almost the end of the first month of the new year. Time seems to fly so fast. Shukri is now in Form 1 and Sakinah will be sitting for her UPSR. Seems like it was only yesterday that they were babies all cute and cuddly. Looking back I wish that I am blessed with many more children, but I suppose I can't complain because afterall there are others out there who has none. Looking at them grow so fast I can't help feeling a bit apprehensive of what the future holds for them. The world is not as friendly as it used to be. The world now is about money and titles and more money and more titles. There is almost no room for good people doing good things. Honesty and integrity are words that people say not things that people have. I hope that my children will be safe. I hope that God keeps them on the straight and narrow. I hope that God gives them guidance and grace.

me

This yearning in my heart
This feeling of emptiness
Saddens me so
There is this void
Not yet filled
I looked for signs
I searched for directions
Yet, there are no clues
No guiding light
Like a ship lost in the night
I'm neither here nor there
I'm not yet whole
Not yet finished
Not yet me

Cocoon

I'm beginning to like my cocoon. It is beginning to take shape nicely. The light has got to be fixed though. Although it is a bit small, it does give me the solitude that I need. It has become my hiding place, away from the hustle and bustle of the outside world. Funny how a simple arrangement can bring some sense of security to me. I finally have a space to call my own. It is like a life long quest realized. I sit here and I feel focused. Everything falls into place and now I feel that I can get something done. I don't know how or what exactly, but here I discover me.

too much

trying too hard
wanting too much
believing in so little
faith in none
too scared to sit down
too tired to stand up
too big a cake
too small a plate
going round in circles
leading nowhere
It is all too much
too soon